Ex Files - Vol. 3, The Roof Is On Fire

No matter who you are or where you live, you probably have an interesting story about an ex. Why? Love makes people do crazy things. Especially if the relationship ends & it’s not a mutual split. #hardfeelingsoflove

Welcome to the Ex Files - Vol. 3, The Roof Is On Fire

The dating game is a ruthless one folks. 

Watching some of my girl friends navigate the treacherous dating waters in Colorado is certainly interesting; but there's nothing more satisfying than when a gal pal finally gets rid of a f*ck boy. 

Ladies & Gentleman, meet f*ckboy numero uno! Let's call him...Rob the Roofer. 

& one of my poor besties, anonymously named Lauren, who had to suffer this cockroach for far too long.

Rob the Roofer seemed like a really stand up guy. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Successful roofing business. Mature guy in his 30's. On the surface he had it all together. 

Narrator - little did they know, they soon would NOT like him.

Lauren started dating Rob & they made a gorg couple. At the time, Rob was living out of state so we were thrilled when Lauren announced he would be moving to Denver.

The first day we met Rob, we all were hanging out at FTW (For The Win) off of 16th street. If you've never been to FTW, don't walk, run. It's a 21 and up arcade bar - so similar to Dave & Buster's - but without all the horrific sticky stinky children running around.

So we're all playing games & Rob is getting along with everyone. A couple of us end up at this boxing game where Rob decides to wind up and smack me. 


Ugh, like ew must you??

I look at Rob in complete shock and start semi laughing because like, what in the actual f*ck and then he starts drunkenly apologizing. Lauren and I let this weird situation slide because 1) Rob was wasted & 2) Rob did seem like a nice guy aside from this.

The first three months Rob was in Denver, him and Lauren were doing great. He even started sub-leasing an apartment from another friend of ours; but month after month crept by and Rob still hadn't found any roofing jobs in CO. 

Due to being unemployed and bored, Rob started to harp on Lauren for working so much. 

He'd ask her to go on hikes in the middle of the day. He'd ask her to go camping in the middle of the week. He'd ask her and ask her to do pretty much anything during work hours and would get irritated when she couldn't. 

Hey Rob! Let me peep you this:

This lazy AF sonofabetch was getting on MY friend for working hard because he was incapable of being gainfully employed??? Uh-uh, no, NOT acceptable.

At first, his excuse of not being able to find roofing jobs in CO were taken by his daunting audience (aka Lauren and our girl gang of mobsters lol) - but after 5 months??? His excuse was wearing thin.

Like, go get a sales job. Get a job at a restaurant or a bar. Like hell, you are in freaking booming economic Denver, get a job anywhere! & when Lauren would pose this, Rob was ready with more excuses. 

"BUT......I don't want to leave my dog alone in the apartment."



I'm pretty sure your dog is going to want food and shelter; which cost MONEEEEY that you get from a JOB!!!

AND do NOT get me wrong here readers - I love my dog more than life itself & I too feel bad for leaving him alone during the day. So what do I do to make my pup happy and relieve my feelings of guilt? I take him to doggy daycare!

Problem --> Solution. 

Beware the, Problem --> Excuse people. They’re actual garbage.

One night we all were out partying at Nativ, and Rob decides to smack my butt again. This was the final straw for me. Rob was offish on my sh*t list & was hanging on by a thread with Lauren. 

Rob was still sub-leasing our friend's apartment which is a v expensive place by Coors Field. The end of March was quickly approaching as were the end of Rob's funds (& MAYBE don't sub lease a super nice spot if you're strapped for cash). 

Rob let Lauren know he was going to have to go back to Louisiana - he was broke and could no longer afford rent. He told Lauren this over Facebook because he couldn't pay his phone bills and his cell service had been shut off...

Once again, #cant.

Rob the Roofer starts making his trek back to Louisiana on a Tuesday and is giving Lauren fb updates along the way. 

"Just passed into Oklahoma"

"Passing through Texas"

"Only eight more hours to go"

"Grabbing some sweet smoothies with my bros"

Jk to that last part, but you get the jist lol. 

So while Rob is on his "road trip" back to Louisiana, we end up finding out from our sub-leasing friend that Rob hadn't told her he was leaving... 

So likeeeee? Was he just going to dip and not pay for March's rent?

So Lauren starts questioning Rob about this on Thursday (he "left" on Tuesday) & Rob asks if Lauren can give him a call via fb after work. 

Lauren gives Rob a Facebook call:

"Hey what's going on? Are you home in Louisiana now?" 

Rob answers:

"Actually.……….I'm still in Denver and I never left."


Lol like seriously, what????

SO, while we all thought Rob was road tripping back to Louisiana, he was actually hiding out...in the Denver apartment... that he could no longer afford to sub-lease...with his dog...lying to Lauren about where he was...


So Lauren is like, well this is super f*cking weird.

Rob goes on to tell her he had a break down, blah, blah, blah. #woeisme #excusesexcusesexcuses

Lauren and Rob meet up on Saturday where he profusely apologizes and begs her not to break up with him - Lauren concedes but lets Rob know this is his last chance to get his sh*t together. Rob then ACTUALLY, fo’real, starts his road trip back to Louisiana (with his dog) to make some money and pay March's rent.

Rob the Roofer left Colorado saying he got an extension from the leasing office to pay rent as he currently had no money...

This was super odd as nice apartment complexes don't let you not pay rent on time without late fees. Lo and behold, there was a late fee Rob was trying to hide.

Rob had told the apartment complex his grandpa had passed away (false, lies, erroneous on all accounts) and that he needed an extension for March's rent. The apartment complex denied this request which meant, Rob was now gone and our sub-leasing friend was stuck paying March's rent (when she was living elsewhere) AND a late fee. 

Lauren broke up with Rob after this.

I mean, who lies about a family member dying to try to get a rent extension??

Rob the Robbing Roofer. #badjuju

Rob, now single, has never reimbursed the money owed and blocked all associated parties from social media. & get this guys, Rob is now back in CO, living in Saudi Aurora. #likeughpleaseleave #hillbillybob #hillbillyrob

So beware Rob the Roofer ladies. He won't bother stabbing you in the back, he'll nail ya right in the face.

Till next time!