Since Ross and I got married, we have been plagued with the same question over and over - & after talking to some fellow married couples, they're just as frustrated with this question as we are. The question being relentless hurled in our direction?
"When are you going to have kids?"
Cue involuntary eye roll...but also voluntary because like, ughhhhh.
& for those of you who so desperately want an answer to that question - N-E-V-E-R. NEVER #NEVER. Jk (kinda) lol. But no time soon so you can pump those brakes, Linda!
Why so adamant about waiting? Too put it bluntly (but making it as nice as possible lol?) - I am not done living my life.
There. I said it! & I can hear the parental gasps from a mile away lol. But before anyone gets their parenting panties in a bunch, let me clarify. I'm not ready to have kids, because I'm not done living my life, selfishly - there's more personal fulfillment out there before having the responsibility of a child.
Exploring this train of thought further:
When you have a baby, your life is no longer yours.
I know, I KNOW, I'm making some V touchy statements lol (and ALL of this is a personal opinion so if you disagree, that's OK!), but I think it's true. Your life is no longer yours. Your main priority - from sun up, to sun down - is going to gravitate around that child (really, whether you like it or not).
Is this a bad thing? NO. It can be a beautiful thing! But that beautiful thing is a MASSIVE responsibility (time wise and finance wise) - & I don't think a lot of people grasp that going in.
I think a lot of newly weds rush into having kids because that's what society has taught us to do. Get married, buy a house, have kids. That's the timeline right? & we all know of couples who have hurried through that timeline and now aren't happy. Why? That social norm timeline is not really conducive to fulfillment...which is ironic because people will literally say they have children to be fulfilled…but that's not where personal fulfillment is going to come from - you have to be happy and content with yourself to really establish that feeling of fulfillment.
The #DINK (dual income no kids) life is sahh-weet readers (sahh-weet? k who am I) - but seriously lol - it's v enjoyable. & when it comes to personal fulfillment, it's getting a good rap in my book. You can travel, focus on career growth, & solidify your relationship with your partner even further.
My husband and I were recently in Greece, #DINKing around (see what I did there), and while we were in Santorini, an acquaintance reached out to me saying how amazing our vacation looked but that she needed to talk - her and her husband might be splitting - they have a 5 month old baby.
This couple rushed through the social norm timeline: Started dating, moved in together, got engaged, got married, and got pregnant in a year and a half.
Now their marriage is teetering AND they are stuck with a baby.
... & here I am getting these texts while Ross and I are yachting around in the Aegean Sea…which is better than the alternative…I suppose lol.
& I know, I know, it's not politically correct to say this couple is "stuck with a baby" - babies are blessings, so on and so forth (...unless you bring that screaming potato on a plane lol...that is NOT a blessing).
BUT these two adults now have a child whose needs come first! There's little to no room to be selfish - & even if the two do split, the baby and the responsibility of raising that child remains.
I realize this is ONE instance, not all newly weds who immediately start family's are going to be unhappy - I'm sure several ARE happy - I just think we need a new social norm that doesn't insist newly weds start families asap. #ESPECIALLY when it may not be right for them.
So instead of asking - "When are you having kids?" How about asking questions with more personal depth?
Where are you traveling to next? When are you going to get promoted? How is your side business? When are you buying a new home? How is your relationship with you significant other? How is your dog? Want to go get pizza?
Those last two question are V important. #memorizethem .
Ultimately, it's OK to be selfish after getting married. It's OK to want to travel the world. It's OK to want your significant other all to yourself. & it's OK to not rush into having kids! Let's expand the "after marriage" conversation and put value on personal achievement and hell, personal luxury.
Not all growth has to stem from starting a family - & personal fulfillment can certainly come without one readers, I promise you that.
Till next time.