Ex Files - Vol. 2, Gingervitis
No matter who you are or where you live, you probably have an interesting story about an ex. Why? Love makes people do crazy things. Especially if the relationship ends & it’s not a mutual split. #hardfeelingsoflove
Welcome to the Ex Files - Vol. 2, Gingervitis
As you may have guessed, the ex that we’re dealing with may or may not have red hair…
OR she may or may not have an affinity for gingerbread!
Let your imagination run wild lol. The term “gingervitis” is one I cannot definitively define for the sake of anonymity.
This story is about one of my guy friends (let’s call him John) & his ex-girlfriend (let’s call her Gingervitis Jane).
We were in college and unfortunately collided with Gingervitis Jane at a frat winter formal. How G Jane even got invited to this formal? That one's beyond me. Her low tier sorority never ran in the same circle as us so her attendance to this formal was about as baffling as her behavior.
Now, for those of you that have never been to a frat formal, let me paint you a picture of what the weekend looks like:
Beer bongs. American Flag swimsuits. Hot tubs. Snow. & A LOT of country music.
Sounds like a combination for a beautiful disaster, yes? You would be correct.
However, you add some ratchet girls into the mix, and there’s always one who ends us crossing the line with someone else’s date. Generally not a smart move. Especially if the person’s date you’re trying to swoop is in a relationship outside of frat formal.
Gingervitis Jane was one of those girls who had no issue going after a guy in a relationship. Unfortunately for her, she decided to go after John. John not only was one of my best guy friends, he was dating my best friend (let’s call her Lily).
Recap - there are three names you need to remember throughout this Ex Files:
- Gingervitis Jane: John's pyscho stalker
- Lily: my best friend and John's girlfriend
- John: Lily’s boyfriend and G Jane’s sick obsession
The fact that John was dating Lily did not phase Jane at all. We were partying in one of the frat formal hotel rooms and John came running up to Lily and I with a shocked look on his face. Apparently, Jane had just shoved him into a closet and tried to make out with him.
We didn't let this put a damper on our weekend, continued partying, and Jane had the wherewithal to stay away from us the rest of formal.
At the conclusion of the weekend, we headed back to Fort Collins & had concretely learned two things:
- Never chug Four Loko's in a hot tub.
- Gingervitis Jane was a creepy stalker & we now held a serious grudge against her.
A couple weeks after formal, John gets a text from G Jane while we’re out partying.
What does the text say?
“Want to bone?”
First off G Jane, GROSS. Like are you a dude? Who the hell says “want to bone”?? I have more class in my pinky finger than you do in your entire body.
What did myself and Lily’s girlfriends do when we heard of Jane's slutty text to John? We rage group texted her of course!
We legit texted Jane telling her she was ugly, in several different ways and in many different forms, & ended with heatedly telling her to stay away from John.
YES. I know, I know. This is super mean and no, I don't condone this behavior. BUT if you have the nerve to proposition a man already in a committed relationship, you better anticipate some of the negative consequences (rage texts from gal pals being one of them).
The sad thing? Jane wasn't even fun to rage text. She legit agreed with EVERYTHING we were saying.
“You don’t need to tell me Lily is prettier than me. I know she is a lot prettier than me.”
Like ugh ok, you’re annoying AF.
BUT YES. Lily is A LOT prettier than you Jane.
LIKE A LOT.
So do us all a favor & keep your grubby little paws to yourself.
Jane’s obsession with John continued throughout our final semester of college. We unfortunately ended up seeing Gingervitis Jane out at a house party before graduation and things were about to come to a head. Jane had been relentlessly pursuing John for months and Lily was at her breaking point.
Lily walked by Jane at this house party & fittingly called her a “Ginger ****” (use your imagination on that expletive lol).
Jane didn’t like being called this name (which I’m sorry, was so well-deserved at this point, like get over yourself), and being the crazed piece of work she is, wound up & slapped Lily right across the face.
Jane was quickly escorted out of the party while getting whomped on by one of Lily's friends.
Now, Lily moved away when we graduated leaving a broken-hearted John behind. Lily & John both still loved each other but doing the long distance thing wasn’t in the cards for them.
Like a vulture circling, Jane hurled herself at John when Lily left & much to my dismay, John and G Jane started dating a couple months later.
John was bitter. Jane was obsessive. Ain’t nothing like a rebound who will neurotically wait on you hand and foot.
I stopped being friends with John during this time. Lily was my best friend and Jane had proved ten times over that she was bat sh*t cray. I would be damned before I ever had to be in the same room with this girl again.
John and G Jane dated for over a year and a half in their one-sided relationship but on one glorious day in April, I got word from Lily that, drumroll please!
MY BEST BETCH WAS MOVING BACK.
HALLELUJAH! THANK-YOU JESUS!
Now, Jane was insane, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew John had one foot out of their relationship the enitre time they had been dating. So the minute Jane heard Lily might be moving back, she panicked.
One night in March, Lily started receiving FB messages from John:
Lily took a screenshot of the messages above and sent them to me. I then, instantaneously, sent these screenshots to ALL of John’s friends.
We found out in less than an hour that John was not messaging Lily at all, IT WAS GINGERVITIS JANE.
In Gingervitis Jane's panic of finding out Lily might move back, she decided to hijack John’s Facebook (unbeknowest to him) & message Lily to try and see if Lily still had feelings for him.
John ended up reprimanding his psychotic girlfriend for the crazy FB messages & from the outside looking in, I could see that Jane was digging her breakup grave V nicely. It was just a matter of time before Lily was back and hopefully, John and G Jane would be but a bad memory.
Before Lily returned, I ran into John and G Jane at Retro Room downtown (#pickleshots).
I cordially said hello to John but didn’t acknowledge Jane. I prefer to save my hello's for the sane members of society.
The fact that I snubbed Jane really got under her skin & she started yelling at me:
“ALISHA. ALISHA. AAAALISHA!”
Ya. Like hello lol. That’s my name, don’t wear it out. & to put it as simply as possible, you don't deserve to be acknowledged.
Since she was screaming my name like a lunatic, I obvi had to have some type of interaction. BUT, unlike G Jane, I was ready to give a v calm response:
“Are you John? Or are you Jane? I can’t tell.”
This was me referencing her hijacking John’s Facebook (which she now had done multiple times and to multiple people, not just Lily).
My response hit a nerve and Jane lunged at me - barely missing my face with her hands, John grabbed Jane and carried her flailing uncontrollably out of the bar.
This was the last time I ever saw Jane.
Moreover, this was the last time I ever saw John and Jane together. Lily came back and Jane was out of the picture faster than Kim K’s first marriage.
Even though John broke up with Jane, this did not stop her from relentlessly trying to communicate with him. John had to block Jane on every form of social media (including LinkedIn) AND even had to go as far as changing his work email to stop receiving messages from her.
G Jane ended up moving out of state (#byeeeeeeeee!) to get away from the love story that is Lily and John.
What did we learn from Gingervitis Jane?
Never go after a guy who loves another girl…
& stay on your own god*mn Facebook.