Ex Files - Vol. 1, Bite

No matter who you are or where you live, you probably have an interesting story about an ex. Why? Love makes people do crazy things. Especially if the relationship ends & it’s not a mutual split. #hardfeelingsoflove

Welcome to the Ex Files - Vol. 1, Bite

This is a story about my husband’s ex-girlfriend: Ross & … let’s call her Jane (because anonymity is V important).

Ross and Jane were high school sweethearts. Jane was one of those uber controlling girlfriends that could more or less be labeled a dictator rather than a sig other. Ross wasn’t able to have any friends that were girls and wasn’t allowed to correspond with girls on social media. Case in point, read over the screen shots below. Get a better feel for Jane.

This is a FB convo between Ross and a girl friend of his. The girl friend had written on Ross’ Facebook wall and Jane subsequently lost her sh*t. Take a peek:

Soooooo, yeaaaaa. There's that lol.

The English language is obviously not a strong suit of Jane’s. Neither is sanity.

ANYWHO, now that you have a better picture of who we’re dealing with here, let’s get on with the story! 

Soon, it was time for Ross and Jane to graduate and head off to college. And we all know what happens in college:

This is a scary step for any relationship. Why? Because high school is a remedial joke when it comes to partying. You take a relationship out of high school where both individuals like to party and put them in college, buckle up for that break up lol. College is a f*cking nightmarish (BUT amazing) roller-coaster of fraternity & theme parties. New guys and girls are literally around every corner. It’s almost guaranteed that one individual going into college, but still in that high school relationship, will want to branch out at the other’s disapproval. This is what happened to Ross and Jane.

Now, Ross went into college like a social bull in a china shop; meaning he was ready to let loose, party, meet 78293749238 new people, and break sh*t lol.

A controlling girlfriend doesn’t really fit into that college party mentality. Ross had decided to join a frat, was making new girl friends left and right, and as you can guess, Jane did NOT approve of this. Not on bit.

A couple months into college, Ross ended up breaking up with Jane.

The party scene at CSU keeps everyone fairly close knit. If you’re going to frat parties, sooner or later, you will know everyone running in that circle. This was the case with Ross and Jane. So after the breakup, it was inevitable that these two would bump into each other at a party.

Seeing an ex at a party is almost always a recipe for disaster. How big of a disaster depends on the person; & when that person is Jane, you can bet something intense is going to go down.

Ross walked into a party one night with a girl friend that Jane did not like. This immediately sent Jane off the deep end and she stormed up to Ross to confront him.

Before anyone even spoke, Jane slapped Ross 4 times in a row as hard as she could.

Stunned, Ross tried to remain calm and asked Jane what the hell she did that for. Her answer?

“That’s for bringing HER here.”

Ross then began to explain that since him and Jane were no longer dating, she had no say in who he hung out with. Unlucky for Ross, Jane didn’t care for his explanation. This girl was out for blood.

Mid-sentence, Jane lunged at Ross and (drumroll please)






Jane lunged, and BIT a portion of Ross’ lower lip OFF.

Ross was in total shock after being bit (no surprise there lol). He put his hand to his face to feel part of his lip hanging off and also noticed he was squirting blood everywhere. #excusemewhileigovomit

At this point, Jane starts YELLING saying she “didn’t do anything” and that she “didn’t mean to do it”.

Well, let me tell ya something Jane. The awk thing about biting someone’s lip off in the middle of a party? There’s a lot of people around watchin’ lol. So if you’re trying to convince people you “didn’t do anything”, choose your setting a bit better next time around. As to the part where Jane “didn’t mean to”. I don’t know of anyone who just goes around uncontrollably biting people…do you lol? That would be a scary condition.

After the bite, Jane got escorted out of the party. While being escorted/carried out, Jane is SCREAMING, “NOBODY F*CKS WITH JANE! NOBODY F*CKS WITH JANE!”.

Well lol... I’ll have to agree with you there Jane.

If your reputation is going full on zombie and biting people’s lips off, nobody will f*ck with you. #hardfact

Aftermath? Ross had to go to the hospital and get 10 stitches to sew up his bottom lip. When the hospital heard what had happened, a police officer came to chat with Ross to see if he wanted to press charges. Ross said no. The officer said that was fine but even though Ross wouldn’t personally be pressing charges, the state of Colorado would be #ruhroh (biting someone’s lip off is categorized as domestic assault). The police then went and arrested Jane at her dorm room in the morning.

Ex Files Vol. 1 rule of thumb?

Don’t bite your ex. #notevenonce

Till next time!