Hi bbs - I hope you all had a beautiful NYE!
We capped off the year with a whopping 103K views. I’ve said it multiple times, & of course I’m going to say it again…and again, and again. You all are the best. Thank you so much for reading through 2017!
So now it’s 2018, & surprise, surprise! I’m rearing and ready to vent away.
So my husband Ross has a saying for when I get mad at someone (him included lol), he always tells me “Don’t go scorched-earth.” Haven’t heard this phrase before? Neither had I.
Scorched-earth defined by Merriam-Webster is “used to describe a military policy in which all the houses, crops, factories, etc., in an area are destroyed so that an enemy cannot use them” or “directed toward victory or supremacy at all costs: ruthless.”
So am I burning down homes and crops when I get mad at someone? No lol – if you’re a local farmer you can rest easy.
BUT when I get mad at someone, I 100% burn the relationship to the ground. I am ruthless in protecting myself so a friend can’t hurt me twice. When I think someone is wronging me, I’m very quick to go all Jay-Z esque &:
My scorched-earth/Jay-Z approach is an option only because I don’t have a problem making new friends. This is a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a bad thing because ultimately, I could be cutting someone out who actually cares about me. Either way, I’m too scared to wait around and find out.
Is going “scorched-earth” an appropriate response to a friend wronging you? Nope. But it’s a defense mechanism I fall back on time, and time again. Once someone makes me question their motives as a friend, I’m V quick to jump into destroyer mode. You can bet I’ll burn that bridge quicker than it was ever built.
So why did Ross recently advise me, “Don’t go scorched-earth on her” ? Well I’m here to tell ya.
I recently went through a super awkward situation with one of my best friends (let’s call her Lauren) & I’ll preface this story – I love Lauren to death – this is just a V awk situation.
An old acquaintance of mine reached out to Lauren, to see if she would be interested in taking over her apartment lease as she is moving out & her roommate will be needing a roommate. Doesn’t seem like a big deal right? Well this old acquaintance is one of Peggy’s good friends and the one who passionately told me “The blog is mean”, “It’s mean”, “You’re mean” - blah blah f*cking blah.
Not only is this old acquaintance tied to Peggy; the roommate my old acquaintance is leaving behind that would be living with my friend Lauren is a b*tch (let’s call her Darla) who HATES me. Darla decided to cozy up to Peggy, Bertha, and Gertrude during all the drama last year when she wasn’t close to anyone on either side. #mindyourowndamnbusiness
& to top off this bizarre-O situation (that I hope you’re following because it’s confusing AF), I am the one that introduced all of these girls to each other. These girls are incapable of making new girlfriends (no explanation needed there as to why) so continue to use people in my circle to fix their consistent roommate needs.
My old acquaintance told Lauren that the drama with me last year was “water under the bridge”. Like ya, OF COURSE it’s water under the bridge - you’re in a roommate bind & you WANT something.
So Lauren came to me in a group text and asked if it would bother me if she lived with Darla.
- Issue number 1 – if you’re asking a best friend if something will bother them, don’t ask them in a group text. At least text them one-on-one (or better yet, talk to them IN-PERSON) because it’s obviously some sort of sensitive subject.
- Issue number 2 – Asking a best friend “Would this bother you” is like when people say “no offense.” If you have to say no offense - guess what? What you’re saying is f*cking offensive & now you look like a jackass…no offense.
If someone is one of your “best friends” and you have an inclination that something is going to bother them, you know good and well it’s going to bother them. There’s no reason to even ask! So stop playing dumb, get your head out of your ass, show your friend the honesty they deserve and be transparent about what’s going on.
I would never tell a friend who they can and can’t live with, so what was my response to if Lauren living with Darla would bother me?
“DARLA IS A B*TCH”…...because she is lol. & what else was I supposed to say?
So obvi the group text got v awkward because I was furiously shooting out tantrum texts (aka every single bad thing I know about Darla) - how I don’t like her, how she slept with a coworker of ours (that lived with his gf of like 6 years, #classless), and also got involved in my drama last year when she knew nothing about it.
One of the last times I saw Darla, she shielded Bertha from me when we walked by them at a St Patty’s day party. Like?? Ok Darla lol, lol. You shield away! You’re dumb AF if you think I would ever go near you or Bertha voluntarily. You’re also dumb AF for putting your face that close to hers #butitsaglutenallergy .
The group text convo about Lauren’s potential living situation went on for a bit and I became more and more perplexed as it went on. Not by the fact that one of my best friends could potentially live with a girl who hates me, but because I could tell that Lauren’s mind was already made up. Her asking me if this living situation would bother me was not a question at all. It was a formality.
I ended up texting Lauren a couple days later (one-on-one, like the convo should have been in the first place), & more articulately than “Darla is a b*tch” lol, explained why the living situation would bother me. Lauren told me she hadn’t made a decision yet, why she wanted to make the decision, that she didn’t want to hurt me, and that she would be making a decision the following week.
This conversation put me at ease. I now clearly understood why this living situation made sense - timing was the crux of it all. This one-on-one convo also gave me a chance to voice how I had lost Jem to Peggy.
Jem & Peggy were roommates solely because I had introduced the two. Once I cut Peggy out, Jem chose Peggy’s side simply because the two were roommates. Jem later changing her mind about Peggy but that was too little too late (see #ventsesh: "I Wish You Karma" to refresh). Jem was one of my best friends & I lost her because of a living situation. My fear is that I could lose Lauren as well.
Lauren is a sweetheart and it will be real hard for Darla not to like her. I also don’t trust Darla as far as I can throw her. Darla will cozy up to Lauren simply to spite me – mark my words.
This direct conversation with Lauren took place the week of December 11th. From then on, it had been dead silent on the topic for three weeks. THREE WEEKS! Three weeks went by and I had heard absolutely NOTHING on her living situation yet I talk to Lauren every day.
So earlier this week, I thought it was about time to bring Darla’s apartment back up. Lauren had to have decided where to live by now because she supposedly had to make a decision the week of Dec 18th. Had Lauren decided to live with Darla and not told me? I understood why Lauren would need to pursue this living situation, but would she really move forward and not give me the common courtesy of a simple heads up? Did I not deserve that?
I texted Lauren yesterday and lo & behold, not only had she decided she was going to live with Darla (called it), she had met with my old acquaintance last week to iron out all the details and catch up.
My immediate reaction?
SCORCHED-EARTH. SCORCHED-EARTH. SCORCHED-EARTH.
I responded to her revelation - “Knew you would”.
Why? Because fake people do not surprise me anymore. LOYAL PEOPLE DO.
& this whole thing seemed so sneaky! Like you’ve made this decision to live with someone who HATES me and didn’t find it necessary to tell me???? That's super shady.
I’ve been burned by “girlfriends” SO many times in the past that it’s much easier for me to go scorched earth & cut people out than trying to resolve the relationship. I don’t like talking about my feelings or being upset (like ugh & ew that’s the last thing I want do). BUT I’m trying to avoid going total “scorched-earth” in 2018 #newyearnewme #jk
I do love Lauren & I’m learning that life will always involve conflict, resolution, and in some cases, forgiveness (which will probably be needed on both ends now because of this blog post…. so like oops but obvi I’m going to write about this lol).
Lauren and I’s text convo continued more civilly after we both got in our snarky quips & an in-person conversation to discuss is looming.
I’m V hopeful that this in-person conversation with Lauren goes well - this ultimately was a communication problem. But at the same time, my cynicism towards people’s intentions & my scorched-earth mentality is always knocking:
Once bitten, twice as bloody shy.
Till next time